That is the place I am.
If you read my old blog, I posted once about the FAB 5. They are five kids we used to bus into our church. They loved Mr. Harold. They loved GFORCE. They came to church when there was no church. They waited on us many Sundays at the buses. They lived right behind the church but rode anyways. They needed attention. They got it. We all loved them. I can vividly remember their faces and hearing their voices. I can picture them marching around that playroom singing Father Abraham and My God is so Big. I see those big smiles when we pulled up to get on the bus. I remember them yelling as they came up the road. I remember one crying on my shoulder when daddy left. I remember their momma pouring out her sincerest feelings about life on their porch. I have a million memories. Vivid memories and I don't know why. I can't remember every detail of yesterday.
Our church sold the buses and relocated.
Some of them came to the new location once or twice. I kept in touch over the years via social media and on the phone. One of them was shot and killed this year. I was so disturbed by this incident. I thought that hurt. I thought it couldn't get worse.
Three of the FAB 5 were brothers.
I kept in touch with their momma. She was a baby when she had the first one. She loved those boys. Through a series of circumstances, she found herself single, working two jobs and with 4 kids. She always provided for them. She trusted all of us in the Children's ministry. I remember getting them and taking them swimming, tutoring, shopping, parks... I remember them coming and helping me set up my classroom one summer.
She always let them go if they were with us.
I kept in touch with her and the boys over the years. She always texted me on Christmas to tell me Merry Christmas. We messaged on fb occasionally. She invited me to her wedding.
The boys got into some trouble.
A few months ago, one of them posted something on Social Media that should have not been posted. It was a week before his best friend got shot in the head and killed. That friend was in my first group of students. That sort of reconnected us. I talked to him several times over those two weeks. We spoke alot about the old days. We talked of the old days at church. He asked about our boys. He wanted to meet up and get lunch and talk. I didn't. I didn't out of fear. He was in a gang. I couldn't. I had to think of my boys and David. He was always posting things on FB about people looking for him. Pictures with guns. We talked about that. We talked about the deaths of two of his best friends in a year because of guns. I honestly told him why I would love to have him for dinner but couldn't because of his lifestyle.
We talked about grace. I prayed for redemption. We talked about life. I was honest. He was respectful.
We kept in touch sporadically over the next few months.
Today, raw emotions flood me. Last night, a family argument happened. He shot and killed his mother. She has two younger children who are now without a mom. She was a newly wed so there is a husband without a spouse. There are two boys without their mother, at the hand of a sibling. There is a son in jail.
My heart aches. Tears keep flowing.
For years, I have asked why God put those boys in my life all those years ago. Why did my heart love them so much? Why did I fight so hard for them? Why did He allow me to stay in touch with them? Why did their mother trust me? Why did...? Why did? Why...me?
I don't know all the answers. I don't know if I could have done more. I don't know if lunch would've opened his eyes more. I don't know. It hurts. I have regrets. It makes me angry at him for making a stupid choice. It puts me on a mission to love my kids at school more. It makes me angry that God allows such things to take place. It makes me question why their hearts were not transformed. It makes me wonder why they forgot about Jesus that they heard about so often. It makes me mad at the school system for not identifying underlying issues that were so clearly obvious. It makes me determined.
I loved them. I still do. I have for years. They are often forefront in my prayers. I think about them often. They are grown up and there are consequences for their actions. I wish I could go back to that time knowing what I know now.
I know there is a greater story playing out than just me and my feelings. I pray that one day, I can celebrate a great redemption story of three lives. Pray that these broken lives are made whole. Pray that the pain ceases in this family unit. Pray that the boys can get their lives turned around. Pray that God uses this situation to bring people to Him.
If you follow me on Facebook, you know that I've been praying for another young man. I don't know what God is trying to teach me in this season, but I pray that I listen. It isn't easy and it hurts. Actually, I hate this. I don't know what I am supposed to be learning. I know that my heart aches. Every time I think about it all I want to puke. I serve a faithful God. I know that. I know that this story will unfold and maybe not the way I want it too, but through it all, He is still God. I can rejoice in the fact that:
God sent His son, they called Him, Jesus;
He came to love, heal and forgive;
He lived and died to buy my pardon,
An empty grave is there to prove my Savior lives!
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!
How sweet to hold a newborn baby,
And feel the pride and joy he gives;
But greater still the calm assurance:
This child can face uncertain days because He Lives!
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!
And then one day, I'll cross the river,
I'll fight life's final war with pain;
And then, as death gives way to vict'ry,
I'll see the lights of glory and I'll know He lives!
Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!