Soaking It All In

The past 10-12 days simply don't seem real. If you REALLY know me, I don't cry. I can hold emotions in with the best. I can float through the days and make life happen despite all circumstances. I get it from my momma. ha. However, these past days have not been easy. Tears have fallen.

Over a week ago, we received devastating news. Reality....it didn't seem real. The days went by. We went to work, sent our kids to school., soccer, and church. However, in the back of my mind, all I could think of was our friends. The ones that had laughed and cried with us. The ones in our wedding. The ones that truly knew us in our deepest and darkest of days. They were hurting.I didn't and still don't know what to do except pray, text, call and encourage.

My heart hurts for them. Selfishly, I hurt too.

I still see us as college kids (because I am mature like that....four kids later). I didn't, until this tragedy took place. Then, I felt like years hadn't passed. Like we were still all dating. All of us in the basement room in Chalkville with dogs in diapers as the boys jammed.

Yesterday(Friday...still deciding whether or not to post because it is raw), we attended a funeral service for two people that know us best and their families. Ones parents were murdered and ones in laws were. We have loved these two more years than we can actually remember. For as long as we can remember, they were around. Then, life happened and the 4 of us were 2 couples with so many sarcastic jokes that they all cant be remembered.

I am not the writer. Shannon is. She is the English person. Ignore my sentence structure if I ever decide to actually post. I used to write in journals. Then, I had four boys. They find all of my paper and write on it. My thoughts are here and they don't know the passwords. ha.

Yesterday, I hugged our friends. Yesterday, they sat in my kitchen. Yesterday, our college pastor that married us all was in our house. Yesterday, our boys were meeting and loving all these people so crucial and influential in our lives. Yesterday, I felt a sense of peace. I smiled. I laughed, we all did, yet we were hurting.

You see, we buried our friends parents and in laws yesterday. We grieved with and for them. Our friend, Todd, he spoke so gracefully. We all saw glimpses of Glory and Heaven in his words, yet we were sad and heartbroken and questioning.

This was a weird time for us. We haven't buried a parent, much less two AND ESPECIALLY not in this way. We spent countless times at their house. Many spent the night there. Many were prayed for and loved on by these two precious people and it doesn't seem real.

Yesterday, D and I hugged people we haven't seen in years. I smiled at the connections. I took in the moments of jokes. I relished in the minutes prior to saying "good-bye." I watched as our friends so bold and strong in their faith endured the hugs and smiles and heartache. Yet, it made me happy. It is weird. I guess, in that moment more so than ever in my life, I longed for glory. In true Jae fashion, I laughed and joked my way through it, but my heart felt sadness and completion at the same time.

When Jason asked to stay here, I felt ok for the first time in days. I knew it would be good for us. Seeing our boys with him made my momma heart happy.

Having Mark, Shannon, Holly, B and Carrier all here with our family showed me a glimpse of what we all long for. Eternity.

This world, it is so hard. The evil that penetrated all our worlds in the past two weeks has spoken volumes to me as a human and mom. I want my boys to know and cherish and rest in Christ. I want that day to be soon.

I need to be a Jackie. I need people in my home, whether it is clean or not. I need to send the cards and letters. You know why? I have the ones she sent. I remember her playing the piano for the least of these. I remember her supporting the bus ministry and her patience. I know Mark and the way he was brought up. I have seen my husband grieve quietly for his friend. I have wanted to hold Shannon and just hug her.

Yesterday, I got that opportunity. Yesterday, all our worlds collided because of devastating loss. Yesterday, I got a glimpse into eternity. Yesterday, I got to hug and be held by those that helped raise me up in the faith. Yesterday, Todd reminded us of relationships. Hold those near and dear. The memories, they are there. We need the people that go with them!

Selfishly, I LONG for our boys to have what we have. Going to a funeral is sad. Going to a funeral for two at the same time, that were strong believers is one of the hardest things I have done. Throw in friends and relationships and it is that much harder, but GOD. God, God, allowed me to soak it all in and see Him through it all and for that I am grateful.

Please pray for our friends and their families in the days ahead. This journey of grief is far from over for them.